who knows

discovered this as a bookmark accordingly named ‘blog’ sitting idly on my tabs and i decided to open it. huh. who knew. hello.

so it’s been about a year or something since i’d posted anything on here- admittedly last time i didn’t really know what was going on.
what have i done since then? i’ve quit jobs, quit sixth form, started college, have been homeless, have been depressed, broke up with my boyfriend, drank to the point of total oblivion, got new jobs (better ones at that), met new amazing people, made a complete mess of myself (re: new years eve), blacked out, adventured on rooftops, dyed my hair all different colours, regrettably lost all of my belongings (whilst drunk), found them again (whilst hungover), been to gigs, gone days without sleep, adventured around cities, collected beer mats, bought a new guitar (and got pretty good at it), painted my walls, filled various poetry books (lost those too), stopped being vegetarian, very nearly overdosed, went drunk swimming at 3am in France, set stuff on fire, but most of all i’ve kind of learnt how to be a human being? i mean, obviously i’m still fundamentally flawed and talk to myself way too much and hiccup more than i breathe and i make the most mistakes then try to deal with my problems with the avoidance and humour approach (never works).

in life, you have to be let down. and it’s really that simple. go break someones heart, or let them break yours- whatever, everything’s made to be broken and all that. write some shitty poetry about it too while you’re at it. or buy them chicken popcorn then break up with them then find yourself trapped at their house unable to escape because the soup you made them has leaked and smashed all in your bag.. and they have to wash your bag but the washing machine takes too long and also ruins your £70 backpack #capitalism

i feel like all of my ‘negative’ experiences have kind of made me- they also make for humourous stories. so about a month or two back I went to go to give my ex his stuff back (there was a shit tonne of it) but he ended up just forcing himself onto me and trying to make a move – unreciprocated, evidently. so then i quickly left, ran for my train (i have asthma. i don’t run) almost suffered an asthma attack, missed my train anyway, decided Birmingham was my best bet as there was no way I was going to be stuck in Coventry with my ex. So i missed my last train home, got stranded and had to be homeless in Birmingham for a night. great fun! i loitered at the somehow 24hour starbucks, brought overpriced coffee, got stuck in a trance whilst watching the rats run up and down the street, made some friends at about 3 in the morning who were digging my blue hair, walked around pigeon park (where my friend gave me a stick and poke tattoo this one time), then i had to catch the 6am train back home, then shake the sleep deprivation and slight hangover off and go straight to work as soon as i got home! it gets better – i went straight from work to town to meet my friends, then we caught a train to Birmingham to go see Pinegrove gig at some random Irish pub which was a 45 minute walk from the station. i was up for over 40 hours but thanks anyways to Jae and Jack for keeping me alive (but fuck you for making me laugh, it physically hurt my heart and felt like all my organs were failing). pinegrove were the best though & it was admittedly one of the best nights of my damn life.

most of the time you just gotta get fucked up or fuck things up then laugh at yourself – why am i like this? i adore chaos, i really completely do. lavish me in business and chaos. wouldn’t have it any other way.

oh and a thought of the day – pay attention to the homeless people and try and help them if you can – make them sandwiches, stop for a chat – they are the most interesting friends i have, they have so many stories. reach out to them

idk when i will next post on here – i guess if i have an opinion on something (which is all the time) this weekend i’m going on a campout with my friends what could go wrong?? #death

sleep deprivation and dissociation are currently playing on my mind and my guitar is teasing me as i haven’t played it in a full half hour so i’m gonna smash out Aphasia by pinegrove (listen to it. one of the most beautiful songs ever created. thank me later)

goodnight/good morning depending on where you are or when you’re reading this,

love from the fucking mess



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