who knows

discovered this as a bookmark accordingly named ‘blog’ sitting idly on my tabs and i decided to open it. huh. who knew. hello.

so it’s been about a year or something since i’d posted anything on here- admittedly last time i didn’t really know what was going on.
what have i done since then? i’ve quit jobs, quit sixth form, started college, have been homeless, have been depressed, broke up with my boyfriend, drank to the point of total oblivion, got new jobs (better ones at that), met new amazing people, made a complete mess of myself (re: new years eve), blacked out, adventured on rooftops, dyed my hair all different colours, regrettably lost all of my belongings (whilst drunk), found them again (whilst hungover), been to gigs, gone days without sleep, adventured around cities, collected beer mats, bought a new guitar (and got pretty good at it), painted my walls, filled various poetry books (lost those too), stopped being vegetarian, very nearly overdosed, went drunk swimming at 3am in France, set stuff on fire, but most of all i’ve kind of learnt how to be a human being? i mean, obviously i’m still fundamentally flawed and talk to myself way too much and hiccup more than i breathe and i make the most mistakes then try to deal with my problems with the avoidance and humour approach (never works).

in life, you have to be let down. and it’s really that simple. go break someones heart, or let them break yours- whatever, everything’s made to be broken and all that. write some shitty poetry about it too while you’re at it. or buy them chicken popcorn then break up with them then find yourself trapped at their house unable to escape because the soup you made them has leaked and smashed all in your bag.. and they have to wash your bag but the washing machine takes too long and also ruins your £70 backpack #capitalism

i feel like all of my ‘negative’ experiences have kind of made me- they also make for humourous stories. so about a month or two back I went to go to give my ex his stuff back (there was a shit tonne of it) but he ended up just forcing himself onto me and trying to make a move – unreciprocated, evidently. so then i quickly left, ran for my train (i have asthma. i don’t run) almost suffered an asthma attack, missed my train anyway, decided Birmingham was my best bet as there was no way I was going to be stuck in Coventry with my ex. So i missed my last train home, got stranded and had to be homeless in Birmingham for a night. great fun! i loitered at the somehow 24hour starbucks, brought overpriced coffee, got stuck in a trance whilst watching the rats run up and down the street, made some friends at about 3 in the morning who were digging my blue hair, walked around pigeon park (where my friend gave me a stick and poke tattoo this one time), then i had to catch the 6am train back home, then shake the sleep deprivation and slight hangover off and go straight to work as soon as i got home! it gets better – i went straight from work to town to meet my friends, then we caught a train to Birmingham to go see Pinegrove gig at some random Irish pub which was a 45 minute walk from the station. i was up for over 40 hours but thanks anyways to Jae and Jack for keeping me alive (but fuck you for making me laugh, it physically hurt my heart and felt like all my organs were failing). pinegrove were the best though & it was admittedly one of the best nights of my damn life.

most of the time you just gotta get fucked up or fuck things up then laugh at yourself – why am i like this? i adore chaos, i really completely do. lavish me in business and chaos. wouldn’t have it any other way.

oh and a thought of the day – pay attention to the homeless people and try and help them if you can – make them sandwiches, stop for a chat – they are the most interesting friends i have, they have so many stories. reach out to them

idk when i will next post on here – i guess if i have an opinion on something (which is all the time) this weekend i’m going on a campout with my friends what could go wrong?? #death

sleep deprivation and dissociation are currently playing on my mind and my guitar is teasing me as i haven’t played it in a full half hour so i’m gonna smash out Aphasia by pinegrove (listen to it. one of the most beautiful songs ever created. thank me later)

goodnight/good morning depending on where you are or when you’re reading this,

love from the fucking mess

xxxxx

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contouring

body contouring scares me. & i’m not talking about face contouring & highlighting.

i know that insecurities exist because of low self esteem and that coincidentally exists due to companies exploiting our insecurities for profit but… i just wish people could see how beautiful they are, the human body is a work of art and you need to appreciate everything you have. working limbs? that’s pretty amazing. working eyes and ears? you should appreciate that shit. instead of missing what you don’t have, remember what you do have and be thankful for it.

so don’t tamper and contour your tummy, hands, legs, arms.. it doesn’t need to be done. i have never met an ugly person and never will, everyone is beautiful in their own way. individuality is precious and i wish people would realise that. be kind to yourself :-))

you are not your body, you’re not the clothes and brands you wear or makeup, nothing external. you are your soul and your smile & passions

you are wonderful, there is nobody like you in the world. nobody the same. that’s amazing

 

acceptance and validation

hey moonkids,

so huh first blog post ever i finally got around to doing it lmao nice 1 Jess.

today i’m gonna talk about validation from others and why you, yes YOU don’t need it (necessarily).

everyone wants to feel loved and accepted, that’s natural, but you should never go out of your way for the sake of pleasing other people. because frankly, people are shit. there, i said it. #onlymemeswillsurvive #naturalselectioniscomingforyou

these days, and i’m just going to use an example here, relationships (especially romantic ones) require various forms of pleasing the other- you want ur other half to be happy so you make them laugh or whatever. but you should never let it get to the point when you rely on them for all of your happiness. STORY TIME before my boyfriend went to uni, it was the summer and a high point in my life (kind of, more on that later) and we saw each other pretty much every day, i was always at his house or he was at mine and we would always hang out (u get the idea, he is the coolest meme ever and makes me so happy etc). then BAM he went off to Coventry uni in September, and i was left feeling empty and lonely #loner and it made me realise how much i relied on him for my happiness and how much he had validated that. aaanndd then my depression got worse as college started lol i love life 🙂

that’s when i kind of shook myself into reality, and realised that you should never rely on others for validation of emotions because you will be disappointed, you need to grow as a person and don’t let others ensure your happiness for you. whether it be platonic relationships, paternal or whatever, don’t rely on anything because life is about YOU, nobody in the world is the same as you, you make your own experiences, you have your own subconscious and your own spirit so go and do whatever the hell you like and don’t get caught up with the crap of the world

i get that everyone needs love and attention, but don’t do things for the sake of others, do them for yourself!

happy tuesday everyone bye 🙂